self-care is making us feel bad

& why hyper individualism is our toxic habit

i’ve been writing about wellness and culture for six years or so: in that time, i’ve covered the colonization of eastern medicine, why tik tok is an outlet for young people’s trauma, and more. as a society, we are not well. reports show that the average american is more prone to depression and anxiety, which isn’t entirely shocking given our sociopolitical climate and the recent pandemic. we feel bad and big companies are constantly marketing us ways that we can feel less bad.

i live in los angeles, the alleged hub of self-care. for the low price of $700/mo (sometimes more), you can tackle your stress with: microcurrent-infused facials, $8 matcha lattes, studio pilates, 50 minute swedish massages, virtual tarot readings, soundbaths at coachella, ear seeding and acupuncture from caucasians, and if the vibe is still off, there’s also ice baths and reiki and a staycation in palm springs.

wellness is a business first and practice second. i say this matter-of-factly because it’s not unique to the industry and i also buy into it. still, the en mass way that we’ve been sold wellness is actively making us feel worse. acts of self-care become exit doors to our problems (both individually and collectively)—but, remember, we live in a not-so-fun house where even our escape routes lead us back to the same spot.

there’s no denying the benefits of having the type of routine that money and privilege can buy. i’ve always said that rich people can afford to have less stress—i’d worry less about the day to day if i also had access to assistants, nannies, and an amex black card too. but even the “i live comfortably” crowd are not without their troubles.

what we think of self-care are just temporary solutions rooted in escapism. a facial, a walk, a workout, etc can give us an endorphin rush for a day or two. and it can be so easy to believe that maintenance care is enough, but humans are not robots who just need fine-tuning once in a while. what wellness culture forgets is that we live in community and when we neglect that primal aspect of our existence, we become less whole.

to put it politically, mothers don’t need therapy dogs at the workplace. they need appropriate maternity leave. your friends wouldn’t be as stressed as they are if their lawmakers would pass better healthcare laws. these huge issues feel so defeatist to tackle, so we don’t try. but stepping back only leaves us feeling despondent in return.

the western world has a loneliness epidemic (just ask the former u.s. general surgeon). In paradoxical fashion, we’re also taught that the solution is to scramble to the top where nothing and no one can reach us. it’s the false safety of tuning out and distancing ourselves from our stressors instead of confronting them. for example, more and more people are “cutting out toxic people” hr-style instead of engaging in healthy conflict with open communication. (not is only making us shittier individuals, it’s actually not helping anything.)

when there’s bad news in the world, self-assigned self-care gurus tell us to close our eyes. and yes, there is a fine line between doomscrolling and staying engaged. but never acknowledging what’s happening in the society we live in is like leaving the window open and hoping a bad smell will go away without ever throwing away the root cause. we can gua sha until we’re red in the face, but it won’t cure what’s really making us feel bad.

a recent report says that volunteerism in the united states has drastically dropped. there are legitimate reasons why the average american is not volunteering, such as lack of time, lack of childcare, lack of transportation, etc. but there is also a culture issue where we don’t want to engage with “bad vibes”, right? we think we’re conserving energy by staying home and watching an hour of netflix to disengage. but that’s a lot like locking the door when there’s a fire spreading outside.

what if rather than going inward through these fleeting moments of self-care, we expand our energy outward? if our climate anxiety is taking root, why not get involved with a grassroots organization that does beach clean-ups? the world won’t be healed overnight (and definitely not in our lifetimes), but we can be at least part of it.

i’m not demanding that we toss away all of our feel-good tricks and trades, but i am suggesting that we add in a bit of civic engagement. it doesn’t necessarily mean going to the soup kitchen every weekend—it can also look like existing more in community (whether through a book group or joining your neighborhood errand group), sending an email to lawmakers about causes important to you, and being present when capitalism is screaming at us to tune out.

let yourself care, not just self-care. be invested in big problems that need big solutions. when you become part of something bigger than yourself, you’re answering the call in our nature that needs connection. the world is hard enough at it is, don’t let capitalism convince you that the way through is alone with expensive skin-care.

i can also definitely say that while sheet masks and luxurious sun bathing do feel good, the only wellness practice that’s sustainably made me better is taking my lexapro consistently. but i’ll keep that for another essay.